21 weeks, 5 days

Currently reading: 

Chasing Miracles,  by John F. Crowley - The Crowley Family Journey of Strength, Hope, and Joy. A family's journey through life, particularly dealing with their two younger children who were diagnosed with Pompe disease, a form of muscular distrophy.

The Journey that Saved Curious George, The True Wartime Escape of Margaret and H.A. Rey, by Louise Borden "In 1940, Hans and Margaret Rey had to flee their Paris home as the German army advanced on the capital city. They began their harrowing journey on bicycles with their children's book manuscripts among their few possessions."


Currently watching:

The Amazing Race, season 20

7the Heaven, season 6

The snow falling/accumulating. With the window cracked open. I've got a little baby heater in my belly, ok?

Baby boy doing tricks, causing my belly to undulate for minutes at a time. Awesome.


Currently listening to:

High Street Hymns

Red Mountain Church

My worship playlist - current favorites are "Mercy All the Way," "You Are Holy," and "What Do I Know of Holy."

It's a good day! I read this quote in my Elisabeth Elliot book this morning:

"Do you UNDERSTAND what is going on in the invisible realm of your life with God? Do you SEE how the visible things relate to the hidden Plan and Purpose? Probably not. As my second husband Addison Leitch used to say, 'You can't unscrew the Inscrutable.' But you do see at least one thing, maybe a very little thing, that He wants you to do. 'Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult [other translations say too hard, too wonderful] for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven....nor is it beyond the sea....no, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it' (Deuteronomy 30:11-14, NIV).
"Let it suffice you, as it sufficed Mary, to know that God knows. If it's time to get to work, get on with your job. If it's time to go to bed, go to sleep in peace. Let the Lord of the Universe do the worrying." -Elisabeth Elliot


Taking one day at a time. I felt pretty crummy over the weekend, with contractions getting really bad for awhile. But, nothing happened, and I'm happy to be pregnant today! Feeling the need to live one day at a time, and not worry about what might or might not happen. To quote another favorite song off my playlist: 

If I flew on morning's wings
Or sailed across oceans so deep

You would still be by my side
For You've promised never to leave

Every mountain I face, every step of this race
I have nothing to fear, for Jesus You are here

All that I need to know for tomorrow
All that I nedd to know for today

Is that You'll be with me each moment
Holding me close to You every step of the way

You're the shepherd of my soul
Who faithfully guards and protects

Your word lights the way ahead
Lovingly guiding my steps

Every mountain I face, every step of this race
I have nothing to fear, for Jesus You are here

- All That I Need, Vineyard

20 weeks

I ordered Clara a spring jacket and some sandles. I'm hoping that acting positively will melt away the snow. At least the sun is out today! I have the window cracked open this afternoon to get some fresh air in here.

Jenna cleaned the living room and bathroom and picked up Clara's room this morning. Every time I get out of my bedroom and smell Greenworks and disinfectant, I am happy. Clara keeps walking around saying, "I like Jenna."

I have made a lot of progress on a blanket I am knitting for a friend's baby. This may be my quickest knit blanket ever, thanks to lots of time to work on it! In general, I have a hard time sitting idle, even while watching TV or listening to something on the radio. Knitting while lying down hasn't been the best idea for my neck, but it is great for my mental health!

I only have a few pages left in Walking Across Egypt. The Holdens gave me that movie for my thirteenth or fourteenth birthday because they knew I loved it. I had no idea it was based on a book, which I randomly found at the library awhile back before I was house-bound. I'm so glad that I got a few books that day, despite my better judgment that when I start two or three books at once, the likelihood of my finishing one of them goes way down. I'm waiting for a new novel to come in the mail, hopefully tomorrow. Emma recommended it to me; it's called Bedrest, and it's about a woman who solves a bunch of people's problems while on bedrest.

We are waiting patiently for my ultrasound on Thursday. Anxious to know where my numbers are at.

Clara asks me if my baby came out yet every time she gets up in the morning and wakes up from a nap. Yesterday, I caught her telling her stuffed dog, "My mommy has a baby in her belly. It is very hard to wait for babies to come out." I would have to agree with her! She has been very understanding of my limitations, and now even prefers that Daddy brush her teeth. She waves to me from her bed while I sing to her from across the hall (fortunately, there is a direct line of sight from my side of the bed to her in her bed). We do get some playtime in the morning when she first wakes up and eats breakfast, and then before her afternoon nap, she crawls in my bed and watches a movie with me. It's usually Mr. Rogers.

This baby is finally half-cooked now! His movements have switched from sharp kicks to more gentle movements. Feels more like a baby now instead of punches. While I have had to significantly lower my expectations of this pregnancy (i.e. working out 3 times a week, keeping up with my normal routine, etc.), it is nice to be able to focus more on this little guy than I was before. I ordered him a sun hat when I ordered Clara's coat/sandles yesterday. I can just picture his little face peeking out from under it.

Goodwill

Clara and I spent the morning shopping around looking for good deals on some things we needed. I had bought a pair of cute flats from Old Navy (these, only they were black and grey), but they were too big, so I returned them today. I used my %15 off coupon from Kohl's to get some little black dress shoes for Clara, priced at $17.50. After Clara went to sleep, I headed to Goodwill to see if I couldn't find something cheaper, as well as meet our other needs...

 Found these (literally...I had to ask for help to find the second shoe, which was on a different shelf) for $2!

 Liz Claiborne shoes for me - $5! They don't even look like they were ever worn.

 Got this AWESOME bag for $5. I was thrilled!

 Snowpants for both me and Clara - $5 total

Couldn't help but buy these cozy warm pajama pants for me for $6 total.

Total price: $23. I'm definitely returning Clara's shoes to Kohl's.

The Lord Will Provide

I've been thinking about purpose lately.  Purpose, dreams, life mission, goal, etc.  We all have things that we live for, that gives us a reason to get up in the morning and life life instead of crawling in a hole.

I have been learning lately that God calls us to give all of our dreams to Him. Regardless of our intentions in our goals (selfish or otherwise), they are nothing when not filtered through the lens of our one ultimate goal - glorifying God in whichever way He sees fit.

God promised Abraham a son.  Sarah laughed at the proposition, not believing God could do such a thing, not making His goal her goal.  She received her punishment, and God used her to bear the promised son.  They spent years waiting for the baby, then when he was a boy, Abraham was asked to sacrifice this promised son to God. Abraham was willing to give up not only a personal dream and fulfillment, but something that God had promised to him explicitly.

And God provided a ram.

"Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." - Genesis 22:12b

Sometimes we have things in our lives that are good and right and God-given, but we hold to them so tightly that we lose sight of the Giver and we are in it to get what we want.  But that just doesn't work.  How differently would the story have ended if Abraham had refused to give up his son?  I don't want that story to be my life.

Abraham named the place "The Lord will provide."  Full surrender.  Full abandon to the will of God.  And God will provide. 

God's Will

I am so bad at blogging!! That's all.

Happy Easter weekend!

Tomorrow we are spending the day as a family (well, minus the time when Shannon is going to work on taxes. I even offered to help, if that gives you any idea of how much I have been missing him lately due to his crazy work schedule!). We're planning on visiting the Tractor Supply store to see the chicks and ducks, and then dying Easter eggs at home. I read a great idea to put the eggs inside of a whisk for easier toddler egg dying. I doubt that Clara will be up form more than two or three eggs, though. Stickers on the eggs might be more fun for her anyway, but we'll see how that goes.

Sunday, we'll have a big Easter dinner at my parents' house and those family members who are in from out-of-town. I am a big believer in having Jello at Easter dinner, so that's part of my contribution to the dinner, in addition to a lemon meringue pie and a salad. Clara has fun running around with all her cousins, but she definitely isn't as accustomed to sharing as those kids from multiple-children families are. Makes for a very sleepy Clara by the end of the day.

I was thinking about God's will as I was washing up the dishes tonight. Specifically, wanting God's will. Praying for God's will. Wanting God's will even if it's not my will. I'm struggling with that a bit. Sometimes it's hard to know what God's will is when we're making decisions, but sometimes when circumstances aren't what we want them to be, it's obvious that these unwanted circumstances ARE God's will. That can be hard to accept, but not impossible.

I really do want a baby. But there is a part of me that doesn't. It's hard to explain, because it's not that I don't want more kids, but that if just one is God's will (which it is at the moment), that would be okay. We are so blessed with our little girl. She is amazing. She is a miracle. Right now, having her is God's will for us, and I am thankful. I think of friends who lost little ones even younger than Clara or who are struggling to have just ONE baby. I feel blessed.

Sorry if this post seems disconnected. I'm trying not to think too hard about what I write or else I won't ever blog .

Truth

"Mother is best endowed to love and train and teach her children. Her continual love, expressed so often in kisses and caresses, her closeness, her moment-by-moment concern, and her availability at all times, develop security in the child. As she goes about her daily household duties the children are there. They work together. They play together. They learn the deep lessons of life through informal daily living. She is the natural teacher of God and His truths. She shows Him to her children as she talks of Him, and she points Him out in nature and circumstances. '"Mother"' is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children,' says Thackeray." - from A Woman in Her Home, by Ella May Miller

My Baby (Babies?)

Easter this year falls right around when I would have been due with Baby #2. Last summer, we had an early miscarriage. I got two positive pregnancy tests, and then nothing. I know it was very early on, but I felt a connection with that baby. I had morning sickness. I had a newborn sleeper in my bedroom because it made me happy. And then, nothing. As I approach my would-be due date, I am a little sad. I have felt like because it was so early, I didn't have a right to grieve. But here is what I think...

I am pro-life. I believe life begins at conception. I believe that was not a "chemical pregnancy," but a little soul who is now with Jesus. I do miss my baby, but I am so thankful that I got to be his/her mommy for just a little while. I am thankful to God that He chose me to carry that precious little life, even for just a short time. His/her life was not in vain. It has caused me to trust God, to abide in His peace and feel His comfort. It has made me want to become more active in standing against abortion and many forms of birth control because that baby was very real, not an embryo.

Since last summer, we have had what we think were two more early miscarriages. My doctor says there is no way of knowing for sure if I were really pregnant or not. I felt pregnant. I don't know what's going on there, but if those were pregnancies, I would be thankful. I can't wait to get to heaven and find out.

So yes, I am sad, and I am acknowledging that what I had was a real child, whom I loved. I am thankful for that.

This hymn has comforted me...

1. You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.

You shall wander far in safety though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand.

You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid.

I go before you always.

Come follow me, and

I will give you rest.

2. If you pass through raging waters in the sea, you shall not drown.

If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the pow'r of hell and death is at your side, know that

I am with you through it all.

3. Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.

Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you!

- John Michael Talbot